I RATE ADS

jtherkal: Fail. F.

jtherkal: Success. A.

jtherkal: Ever since CP+B won the Vista account, perhaps almost a year ago, the ad world has been buzzing. What genius concept will come out of the hottest shop on earth for a brand with one of the worst reputations on earth. So you can imagine how utterly and entirely baffled I was when this piece of garbage hit the air. Pointless, boring, horribly written. Did Seinfeld write his own material? Did someone forget to do quality control? The jokes are bad, the acting is typically Seinfeld bad. I can’t really think of anything about this that I like. The jokes they make at the end, about the cake computer and then Bill Gates shaking his shorts? All I can do is shake my head.

The only possible silver lining is that Crispen probably has some sort of twist up their sleeve. Something like, “Look at that commercial. You thought it was terrible, but look at this new version of it, look at how good it is. It’s just like Vista, it can get better.” Or maybe their point is that you can’t judge something by its reputation alone. Like thinking that putting Seinfeld in a commercial would make it funny. “We heard that people would really like a commercial where Seinfeld and Bill Gates meet in a shoe store. So we just went ahead and made it. I guess you have to try it before you can really judge.” Either way, unless the punchline is solid gold–or at least has something to do with why this ad sucks–this can’t possibly get anything better than a D-.

sjbooher: Full discretion alert. As a software engineer, I despise Windoze. As a lover of comedy, I am not in Jerry Seinfeld’s demographic. I will not be changing my Facebook status to contradict either of those facts any time soon. This is boring, un-funny and does not really advertise anything. On top of that, it’s annoying with that cringe-worthy hip twist from Gates at the end. Whose idea was it to feature one of the most non-engaging men ever to walk the Earth in a minute-and-a-half ad? To whom does this even appeal? The ironic part is that is exactly like Windows products — bulky, over-priced and crappy. Guess they went for a little truth in advertising? F.

sjbooher: “Hey, mom. When I grow up, I want to be the spokesperson for a digestive aid!” Think Jamie Lee Curtis said that back in the day? All this acting stuff was an elaborate ploy to position herself for this spot, one day? She sure is happy in these ads — ridiculously so. Then they throw in a Dannon happy face logo at the end. There is way too much joy about a nasty yogurt that makes you poop right. Although that feeling of relief does feel good. Why is there such a poop taboo in advertising? Come out and say exactly what you mean! The euphemisms they come up with are amusing. Bottomline, this product and campaign are meant for women, so I am not the best judge. But I can say that I am not enticed, so they didn’t do that great of a job. C-.

jtherkal: Let’s start with the important question: Is Jaime Lee Curtis a hermaphrodite? That’s the first hurdle this has to clear. Because whenever I see Jaime Lee, all I can think is, “she might have a small deformed penis AND a vagina.” The rumors about this are known far and wide, which makes casting her sort of a strange decision. Surely there are plenty of middle-aged actresses who could use the work and are not rumored to be sexually ambiguous. Was the newspaper in her hand a subtle reference to taking a dump? If it weren’t for the Jamie Lee Curtis situation, I wouldn’t even notice this commercial and I certainly wouldn’t remember it. D-.

I’ve taken a look here and I can’t see anything suspicious:

While we work on getting our videos back on line, here’s some old-fashioned newspaper print advertising:

jtherkal: There are so many things wrong with this ad that I’m not really even sure where to begin. I guess let’s start with the headline, which is perhaps the best part. It reads like the title of a self help book. Hemorrhoids…and the suffering. Nice start. But then they got creative in the way they represent hemorrhoids–which is difficult to spell, by the way. Little red cartoon monsters marching in some sort of nebulous gray landscape. Aaahhhh! Look out! Shoot them with that there raygun! That raygun that looks like a flathead screwdriver coming out of the end of a drill. I don’t want that in my ass any more than I want those little red monsters. Mostly, I don’t want to go to a treatment center that runs this type of ad. When something goes wrong with your butthole, it’s a serious matter, not a wild cartoon. At least the doctor appears to be wearing some latex gloves, which is just good practice. F.

sjbooher: I’m guessing that most likely says “end the suffering”, but whatever. I don’t think this is particularly great, but my negative reaction might simply be as a result of having to think about hemorrhoids. Also, they should have played up the little cartoon guys, and played down that awful gun. You are not going to attract people to your service if they focus on the reality of that gun. D-.

jtherkal: It definitely says “end the suffering.” I’m an idiot. And to your point about the gun, if they were going to show it they should have made it look soft and fun. Like a feather gun, that tickles the monsters away.

jtherkal: Blah blah blah. Cute, but why? It does an alright job of getting your attention, but then they payoff is sort of weak. I would certainly think Lexus could do a better job of explaining why “the power of h” is important and desirable. It’s a pretty good line, but nothing about missing h’s speaks to that power. I mean, you’ve done more the Lexus than just add an h to the model number, right? Part of me wants to like this, I just don’t. C-.

sjbooher: I like it, even with a bit of a weak ending. Despite not showing the product early on, they draw you in by making you want to see why the h’s are not appearing anywhere. I also like that they took a different approach to selling their Hybrid models than the other companies who just beat you over the head with “miles per gallon”. It allows them to stand out, perhaps. B-.

jtherkal: This ad is disgusting on several levels. First, any time I see someone wearing Ohio State apparel I want to throw up. I understand the point of the commercial, that Sheraton hotels makes enemies get along. But guess what? It doesn’t. I would have spit on that OSU fan. Aside from that, there’s something just not good about this. It feels soft and forced, if that makes sense. Something about the direction of it sucks. Although it’s probably dead on for the personality of Sheraton. Vanilla, plain, trying to be cool, but just not. D-.

sjbooher: For me, the worst part is that they tried to include both the rivalry taboo, as well as the “man-on-man interceptions” taboo (Joe Duke guy touches Johnny Carolina’s hand and Dr. Syracuse rubs the ranch off Mr. Georgetown). It sends a mixed message. So Sheraton makes you overcome your sports hatred, but not your homophobia? I think it was a good idea that was not executed well. Also, I’ve seen it countless times over the past month, and had no idea, until right now, which hotel was being advertised. That just pushed you to F status, Sheraton. Or was that Holiday Inn? I’d probably remember if I had stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night! F.

sjbooher: The first time I saw this, I saw with my mouth wide open in disbelief, before turning, looking at my wife, and saying, “Seriously?”. Hey AT&T… this had been done 1.56 million times! Well, at least 2 notable times! And 1 was for the product of your MAJOR partner, Apple, for the iPhone, and they did it a million times better. This also seems very much like a rip-off of the famous Budweiser “Waaazzzzuuuuuuuupppp” ad. If you’re going to rip-off, or “cover” classics, you have to improve on them. That definitely does not happen here. Why is everyone so happy to answer the phone? That’s just fake. You are reading a website right now run by two people that absolutely HATE answering the phone. They should have people looking at their phone, realizing who is calling, and shoving the phone back in their pocket. I wish I could do that to this ad. D-

jtherkal: It’s true, I hate answering the phone. Although I have discovered that with my iPhone I can listen to people through the headphones and talk into the phone. That sort of makes it fun. And if you ever answer the phone by shouting “buddy” like the last guy in this ad, I’ll hang up. This ad doesn’t do anything that hasn’t been done before, and it certainly doesn’t do it better. D.

sjbooher: Wow. I’m not even sure where to start. It’s great that Hip-Hop entrepreneur J. Prince is putting out his own make of condoms and attempting to educate his community about the importance of safe sex. Picking one of the the hottest artists amongst our youth is another good idea. So everything is good until we get to the ad itself. First of all, what is this ad for? It’s not immediately obvious that condoms are being advertised. The word “condoms” is in small print and the condoms themselves are camouflaged amongst Weezy’s other strewn belongings. And can you say homoerotic? The words “Go Down Strapped” underneath a picture of a cop behind a bent over Lil’ Wayne? Probably not the picture they meant to paint. D-.

jtherkal: I thought this was an ad for an album. Are we sure this isn’t some sort of joke ad? If it’s not, my associate hit all of the relevant points. F.

jtherkal: Hmmmm, do I want to spray a product on my body that makes my skin peel away like a hard-boiled egg shell? I understand this is some sort of metaphor for peeling away the dirt smell, but this is still kind of disgusting. Take a damned shower.

And Axe, stick to the formula of showing me that spraying your product on me will turn hordes of busty college girls into ravenous sex kittens, hungry with desire for my goods. That is a lie I’d like to believe, not that deodorant is an acceptable substitute for cleanliness. D-.

sjbooher: I just recently saw this one and was planning to post it myself with almost identical analysis. I agree. D-.

jtherkal: Wait, so “whoa” was the word? Huh? Not even the hotness of Carmen Electra could save this terrible ad. Is there some rule about gum ads that they have to be corny and awful? Can someone please make a good fresh mouth gum ad? (well, Orbit might actually be doing this)

Here’s how this should have went. Every fan who comes up to her has bad breath and gets their clock cleaned by the bodyguards in a different way; taser, running double-leg jump kick to the chest, A NET GUN! Then, one smart fan chews the gum before approaching; she says “whoa” and we cut to a scene of her and Emmanuelle Chriqui all oiled up, rolling around on a bed of mint gum tablets. Whoa. D-.

sjbooher: One question and one question only: How does Ice Cube not get this contract? C- (only on the strength of Carmen being hot).