I RATE ADS

In anticipation of the latest Batman movie, a couple companies (at least) have partnered with the makers of the movie for co-branded ads.

Comcast Triple Play:

sjbooher: I’ve actually seen this one on tv. Clever. “Some Joker blew up the mini-van.” Get it? The idea of a regular family living in Gotham City is funny, but the writers mailed this one in. Seems like they could have made this funnier and even more enjoyable. B-.

jtherkal: I have to agree. A normal family in Gotham City is fertile ground for comedy, but they didn’t quite nail it here. The fear toxin and the idea that $99 Comcast makes Gotham paradise is sort of funny. Well, maybe not the fear toxin. C+.

Domino’s Pizza:

sjbooher: I like this one more. Hahahahaha. The Joker owes her a car. What a fool he is… doesn’t he want his minions fed? Let the delivery lady be! They could have used a few more pizza shots, though. Nothing sells pizza better than pictures of pizza. A-.

jtherkal: I don’t really care for this commercial. I understand the goons’ motivation–pizza is delicious–but where is Batman? Why wouldn’t they just kill her when she got to the door? The Joker don’t owe nobody no car, bitch! I guess this doesn’t have to be logical, but I still don’t like it. Partially because Domino’s pizza is the worst pizza. D+.

On a related note, watch and enjoy:

jtherkal: Hey, all you competitive swimming fans out there, here’s an energy bar you can really get behind. I mean, if Michael Phelps–who is good at swimming–likes it, it must give you super power. Come on Powerbar. Maybe he was the best athlete you could afford? Or maybe you thought it was a good choice because swimming is hard. Sure it is, but most people don’t give a daaaaaamn about swimmers. Unless they’re in a red bikini, running down the beach in Malibu (Baaaaywatch). Nice try, putting those sharks in the pool, but you never had him fight the sharks. You didn’t even have him race them. Massive failure. F.

sjbooher: I do remember that last Summer Olympics Michael Phelps was EVERYWHERE — featured in maybe 4 or 5 (more?) different ads. I have no idea if that worked, but he was the star of the games themselves. I think he won a few medals, but he did not eclipse Mark Spitz’ record for most medals in one games. So they are definitely tapping a familiar well, here. The problem with Phelps, is that he is about as charismatic as that diving board he’s standing on. The Michael Phelps Story, starring Hayden Christensen, coming soon to a theater near you! Maybe there should be more focus on the sharks? Sharks are definitely not boring, and I do not think I even noticed them until I saw the ad a few times. Another interesting tidbit, while he has been a saint when compared with Naomi Campbell, this marks another use of a celebrity endorser that has been in trouble with the law, proving companies are generally hypocrites about that kind of thing. Since he is a fellow Wolverine, I won’t be quite as harsh as my associate. D+.

jtherkal: Grand Theft Auto doesn’t have to do much more than announce they’re coming out with a new game to sell a billion copies. And they don’t really push much further than that here. Cutting together clips from the game isn’t very creative, but I guess it’s effective enough to do the job. Halo 3 set an almost impossibly high bar with their campaign. But I guess when you’re letting people, rob, kill, fuck and be a straight-up gangster vicariously, you don’t have to oversell it. The fact that it’s set in NY–errr, excuse me, Liberty City–makes me want to go scoop up an Xbox and get the game. But I won’t. D+.

sjbooher: My colleague himself explained why this is effective: they don’t “have to do much more than announce they’re coming out with a new game to sell a billion copies”. Knowing that, there is no reason to overdo it. These ads are great, as they show clips and music from the product, and show why the game will be as enjoyable as ever. As a fan of the series, these ads have made me ridiculously excited to get the game; I just haven’t had the time to pick it up yet. A.

And if you keep talking about that copycat Halo 3 ad…

sjbooher: This is like a serial killer telling kids not to litter. Or like a child molester championing the spaying and neutering of animals. Or like Hitler being the face of an anti-smoking campaign. I don’t want to hear this garbage from Wal-Mart, one of the worst corporations in existence. Get the hell out of here with all that noise. F-.

jtherkal: Wow. I had no idea you hated WalMart so much. How do you feel about K-Mart? Kwiki-Mart? The truth is, I don’t hate WalMart and I don’t like WalMart. If I were going shopping for my militia, I think I bet I’d head there. I could probably pick up a few recruits along the way. There is some sort of documentary about WalMart that I should probably watch.

Here’s one thing that bothers me: Listen to this claim “If every WalMart shopper, all 200 million of us, used just one bulb, it would be like taking over 11 million cars off the road.” Ok. For how long would those cars be off the road? For as long as the light bulbs lasted? For .5 seconds? Why not claim it would be like taking 5 billion cars off the road, as long as you’re making outrageous claims. D+.

sjbooher: I am truly torn on this one. It is so ridiculous, corny and over-the-top, that it just might be good. A bunch of guys hanging out laughing, joking and having a good ol’ time, singing about Viagra! Really? Are you serious? So amazingly weird… and yet… engaging. And yet… so uncomfortable and awkward. Vi-vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Viagra! Technically speaking, it is very hard to turn your head away, good or bad, before they get into the meat and potatoes of the product. I think this is both an A and an F, so I’ll give it a C.

jtherkal: I’m not torn. This is ridiculous. What about this would make you want to get Viagra? Not that guys who can’t get boners need any additional incentive…that alone sells the product. There must be 1000 smart executions that don’t involve making a group of guys look like fools. While the song might be mildly catchy, my reaction is, “I hope I’m never one of those guys.” I hope I’m never an old nerd who meets up with other nerds at some dusty roadside garage to sing about how we take pills to get boners. D+.

sjbooher: I will never understand your definition of nerd. Never. Also, that one guy looks like Sam Jackson… that has to count for something.

jtherkal: At first I liked the King, his creepy silence and smiling face. And I still want to like him, but for some reason this just doesn’t do it for me. Part of the charm of the initial King ads was the voiceover selling “eggs and meat and cheese…and meat and cheese.” They made it sound and look good. The problem here could be that the product looks like absolute garbage. Smokey cheese sauce? I imagine that slides right through you and comes out looking eerily the same as it went in. That is NOT the breakfast of tomorrow. Nothing about this brings me joy. D+.

sjbooher: I love that King and his freaky hands. It is a great moment in time when the King gives us that jazz hands type motion after Mrs. Future comments on his hands. So weird it is good. The cheese sauce definitely scares me, but this ain’t irateproducts.com. Maybe they could have just glossed over the sauce a little more, or maybe THAT is the greatest drawing point. This is an overweight country, after all. A.

jtherkal: I’m generally a fan of these ads. I think the Jay-Z one, the Shawn White one and whichever Williams sister’s were all pretty good. But for some reason this one seems out of place. Perhaps it’s because Seinfeld is soooooooo 1994. Guess what HP? It’s 2008! Who cares that he’s the voice of some bee? He’s past his prime. Maybe you should have used Rodney Dangerfield. Oooor, you could get someone fresh. I mean, didn’t you just give Demetri Martin a couple million dollars to produce some sort of webisotic mini-series? You’re a computer company, for pete’s sake. Stay current. D+.

sjbooher: I depise anything and everything pertaining to “Bee Movie”. Didn’t it have it’s run? Why is it so prominently featured in this ad? Why do I have to see that stupid “Bee in the sound room” short before every movie I go to? Did Seinfeld make some sort of Faustian deal, offering his lifelong servitude to “Bee Movie” in return for some untold reward? My relationship with Jerry Seinfeld is much like your typical stock market graph, and right now it is definitely in the penny stock range. I’ll be kind and stick with D+.

jtherkal: I was flipping through Time Out New York and landed on this bizarre ad. Huh? After taking a look, I deduced that this was not a joke ad. It’s for something called the Mansy, which is going to be available in limited quantities. Hopefully very limited. This ad is like a three car pile-up on the opposite side of the expressway. I have to look for a bit while passing, but once I understand what happened, I speed away, feeling slightly disturbed and slightly ashamed. I’m not sure if that’s the reaction they were going for. D+.

sjbooher: Not up for a little male yoga on the beach, jtherkal? Maybe even at sunset? Yikes. It would seem to me that this is for a very, very, very small, target audience, and it would scare the bejeezus out of everyone else. It’s eye-catching; I’ll give it that. It definitely gets the point across, I suppose, although looking around the net it seems other people also need to first figure out if it is a gag or not. Hmm… effectively shows the product in action, I guess. I gotta do it… A+!

April Fool’s! I still give it an A-, but for different reasons. I like that a company that manufactures clothing for Yoga, which is often seen as a pretentious type of activity (like Common said, “While white folks focus on dogs and Yoga…”) took some time to poke a little fun at themselves and the men out there that joke about the activity. It also catches your eye for a minute, and the shock value will probably get there name out there a little more. I don’t like it, but it works.

jtherkal: This falls under the catagory of “it doesn’t matter how good it is, if you see it a million times you remember it.” Taco Bell is nothing if not persistent in their advertising. Do i know the exact product? No. But I do know it’s filled with disgusting rubber cheese that hangs from people’s mouths. The only redeeming quality of this commercial is that they slipped death and an old man in there. Because I’ve seen it so many times, my brain is confused. Do I love it? Do I hate it? Ummmmm…I hate it. D+.

It should be noted that I love Taco Bell. When I go back to Michigan, my first stops are generally Arby’s & Taco Bell. That being said, I stick with the Taco Bell basics. Taco Supremes and maybe a Chilito every once in awhile. They used to serve Chilitos in the lunch line in middle school. What a healthy lunch for a growing boy…

sjbooher: Equal parts hate, rage and fury. I HATE that stupid, fake cheese. It just looks so fake that it is annoying. Other than the fake-ass cheese, it’s well done, making the cheese stand out that much more. It looks like it’s randomly stuck onto people’s faces… doesn’t cheese like that usually have each end connected to part of the food? Not your face. Anger. I can’t argue with the likely effectiveness, though. D+ it is.

I’m not even sure that if I could find this commercial online I would post it. Because that would mean I’d have to watch it again. It’s basically a guy rapping to camera about his girlfriend, presumably recording it and sending it to her via his cell phone for Valentine’s Day. I literally have to change the channel when this comes on, for fear of being consumed by a rabid fury that results in me smashing my television with a pitching wedge. That’s bad for the tv and for the wedge, both of which are very special to me.

Let me just say this: if you’re thinking of getting your girlfriend a phone with video capabilities for Valentine’s Day, good for you. Electronics are awesome. If you’re thinking of using your phone to send her new phone a video of you, the whitest man in America, doing the worst rap known to man, please stop and think again.

The worst part is that somewhere along the way this received the approval of a whole team of “advertising professionals.” Not only in concept form, but even after they saw the shockingly terrible finished product. Sometimes you need to self censor a bit; someone has to have the stones needed to step up and say you know what, we liked the idea, but you all see this, it sucks. We can’t put this on tv. They seem to have forgotten rule number one of advertising: avoid ads that will make the consumer HATE your product. This has done that for me.

Furthermore, I went to the AT&T site to try and find whatever promotion this is (so I’d have some sort of image to accompany this post) and I couldn’t find anything. No Valentine’s Day promotion at all. So even if this commercial wasn’t shotgun-eatingly bad, consumers can’t follow up and actually take advantage of the promotion.

F-. The worst.

The Hawk:
Yo, Mouth, why you trippin’, home skillet? This is that new hot fire on the streets, playa-toni, pepperoni! Hotter than paprika!

Yes, horrible. Although something deep inside me says there is still a segment of society out there that laughs and likes this. I’ll even admit I think the paprika line is funny. D+.