I RATE ADS

jtherkal: I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hope I never see another Clydesdale commercial. I feel like this is one of those Family Guy jokes, where the gag just goes on and on and on and on and just when you think it’s not funny, it goes on a little more, and a little more, until suddenly it’s funny just because it won’t end. You ever seen two horses fucking? F.

sjbooher: Back-to-back Clydesdales on that ass! Whut! Whut! D+

jtherkal: I am so unbelievably glad I’m not part of the team charged with writing fifty horse joke commercials. Sure, I could write some horse jokes, but they’d all be glue factory or horse-cock punchlines. F.

sjbooher: Honorable Clydesdale > Court jester Clydesdale. D+.

sjbooher: So stupid and terrible. A crotch joke? Fail. F.

jtherkal: So wait, is this another user-created Doritos ad? Are they still doing that, where they have a contest and the best ad runs during the Super Bowl? They had a decent laugh up until the button at the end. Why, why why do you need a crotch joke in there? I agree with fail, but I like the crystal ball through the candy machine…D+.

sjbooher: And the world is apparently abuzz over this one… guess that means something. I upgrade to D+.

jtherkal: Ha. Ha. I like that Burger King is willing to take risks, as this was clearly going to create some controversy. The idea breaks down when you get to the logic. Who cares what someone who has never, ever had a burger prefers? They might think grasshoppers or bamboo taste delicious. In America, we’re burger experts. I know a good burger. If someone from the moon gave me two kinds of moon cake to taste and I picked one, it wouldn’t necessarily mean that is the better moon cake. It would just mean to my unrefined palate, one is more familiar. And I’m sorry, but The Big Mac is in a different class than the Whopper; I don’t even consider The Big Mac a burger. It needs its own classification, like “delicious meatlike substance housed in breadlike objects.” D+.

jtherkal: Yes! Yes, NFL, I will. I love the song, I love the visuals, and I love football. DirectTV is already billing me for my NFL Sunday Ticket. So this starts to get me fired up. The only thing is, I still think Reebok mostly sucks. Most people probably mistake this for an NFL ad. I guess since Reebok is the official outfitter of the NFL, it sort of doesn’t matter which you think it is. Peyton Manning bangs out the first of what will probably be another 1000 commercials during the upcoming season. And Eli Manning gets one in the books, even though he looks like a nerd. Maybe he’ll get some charisma when he grows up. For the NFL, A. For Reebok branding, D+.

In anticipation of the latest Batman movie, a couple companies (at least) have partnered with the makers of the movie for co-branded ads.

Comcast Triple Play:

sjbooher: I’ve actually seen this one on tv. Clever. “Some Joker blew up the mini-van.” Get it? The idea of a regular family living in Gotham City is funny, but the writers mailed this one in. Seems like they could have made this funnier and even more enjoyable. B-.

jtherkal: I have to agree. A normal family in Gotham City is fertile ground for comedy, but they didn’t quite nail it here. The fear toxin and the idea that $99 Comcast makes Gotham paradise is sort of funny. Well, maybe not the fear toxin. C+.

Domino’s Pizza:

sjbooher: I like this one more. Hahahahaha. The Joker owes her a car. What a fool he is… doesn’t he want his minions fed? Let the delivery lady be! They could have used a few more pizza shots, though. Nothing sells pizza better than pictures of pizza. A-.

jtherkal: I don’t really care for this commercial. I understand the goons’ motivation–pizza is delicious–but where is Batman? Why wouldn’t they just kill her when she got to the door? The Joker don’t owe nobody no car, bitch! I guess this doesn’t have to be logical, but I still don’t like it. Partially because Domino’s pizza is the worst pizza. D+.

On a related note, watch and enjoy:

jtherkal: Hey, all you competitive swimming fans out there, here’s an energy bar you can really get behind. I mean, if Michael Phelps–who is good at swimming–likes it, it must give you super power. Come on Powerbar. Maybe he was the best athlete you could afford? Or maybe you thought it was a good choice because swimming is hard. Sure it is, but most people don’t give a daaaaaamn about swimmers. Unless they’re in a red bikini, running down the beach in Malibu (Baaaaywatch). Nice try, putting those sharks in the pool, but you never had him fight the sharks. You didn’t even have him race them. Massive failure. F.

sjbooher: I do remember that last Summer Olympics Michael Phelps was EVERYWHERE — featured in maybe 4 or 5 (more?) different ads. I have no idea if that worked, but he was the star of the games themselves. I think he won a few medals, but he did not eclipse Mark Spitz’ record for most medals in one games. So they are definitely tapping a familiar well, here. The problem with Phelps, is that he is about as charismatic as that diving board he’s standing on. The Michael Phelps Story, starring Hayden Christensen, coming soon to a theater near you! Maybe there should be more focus on the sharks? Sharks are definitely not boring, and I do not think I even noticed them until I saw the ad a few times. Another interesting tidbit, while he has been a saint when compared with Naomi Campbell, this marks another use of a celebrity endorser that has been in trouble with the law, proving companies are generally hypocrites about that kind of thing. Since he is a fellow Wolverine, I won’t be quite as harsh as my associate. D+.

jtherkal: Grand Theft Auto doesn’t have to do much more than announce they’re coming out with a new game to sell a billion copies. And they don’t really push much further than that here. Cutting together clips from the game isn’t very creative, but I guess it’s effective enough to do the job. Halo 3 set an almost impossibly high bar with their campaign. But I guess when you’re letting people, rob, kill, fuck and be a straight-up gangster vicariously, you don’t have to oversell it. The fact that it’s set in NY–errr, excuse me, Liberty City–makes me want to go scoop up an Xbox and get the game. But I won’t. D+.

sjbooher: My colleague himself explained why this is effective: they don’t “have to do much more than announce they’re coming out with a new game to sell a billion copies”. Knowing that, there is no reason to overdo it. These ads are great, as they show clips and music from the product, and show why the game will be as enjoyable as ever. As a fan of the series, these ads have made me ridiculously excited to get the game; I just haven’t had the time to pick it up yet. A.

And if you keep talking about that copycat Halo 3 ad…

sjbooher: This is like a serial killer telling kids not to litter. Or like a child molester championing the spaying and neutering of animals. Or like Hitler being the face of an anti-smoking campaign. I don’t want to hear this garbage from Wal-Mart, one of the worst corporations in existence. Get the hell out of here with all that noise. F-.

jtherkal: Wow. I had no idea you hated WalMart so much. How do you feel about K-Mart? Kwiki-Mart? The truth is, I don’t hate WalMart and I don’t like WalMart. If I were going shopping for my militia, I think I bet I’d head there. I could probably pick up a few recruits along the way. There is some sort of documentary about WalMart that I should probably watch.

Here’s one thing that bothers me: Listen to this claim “If every WalMart shopper, all 200 million of us, used just one bulb, it would be like taking over 11 million cars off the road.” Ok. For how long would those cars be off the road? For as long as the light bulbs lasted? For .5 seconds? Why not claim it would be like taking 5 billion cars off the road, as long as you’re making outrageous claims. D+.

sjbooher: I am truly torn on this one. It is so ridiculous, corny and over-the-top, that it just might be good. A bunch of guys hanging out laughing, joking and having a good ol’ time, singing about Viagra! Really? Are you serious? So amazingly weird… and yet… engaging. And yet… so uncomfortable and awkward. Vi-vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Viagra! Technically speaking, it is very hard to turn your head away, good or bad, before they get into the meat and potatoes of the product. I think this is both an A and an F, so I’ll give it a C.

jtherkal: I’m not torn. This is ridiculous. What about this would make you want to get Viagra? Not that guys who can’t get boners need any additional incentive…that alone sells the product. There must be 1000 smart executions that don’t involve making a group of guys look like fools. While the song might be mildly catchy, my reaction is, “I hope I’m never one of those guys.” I hope I’m never an old nerd who meets up with other nerds at some dusty roadside garage to sing about how we take pills to get boners. D+.

sjbooher: I will never understand your definition of nerd. Never. Also, that one guy looks like Sam Jackson… that has to count for something.