I RATE ADS

jtherkal: At first I liked the King, his creepy silence and smiling face. And I still want to like him, but for some reason this just doesn’t do it for me. Part of the charm of the initial King ads was the voiceover selling “eggs and meat and cheese…and meat and cheese.” They made it sound and look good. The problem here could be that the product looks like absolute garbage. Smokey cheese sauce? I imagine that slides right through you and comes out looking eerily the same as it went in. That is NOT the breakfast of tomorrow. Nothing about this brings me joy. D+.

sjbooher: I love that King and his freaky hands. It is a great moment in time when the King gives us that jazz hands type motion after Mrs. Future comments on his hands. So weird it is good. The cheese sauce definitely scares me, but this ain’t irateproducts.com. Maybe they could have just glossed over the sauce a little more, or maybe THAT is the greatest drawing point. This is an overweight country, after all. A.

jtherkal: I’m generally a fan of these ads. I think the Jay-Z one, the Shawn White one and whichever Williams sister’s were all pretty good. But for some reason this one seems out of place. Perhaps it’s because Seinfeld is soooooooo 1994. Guess what HP? It’s 2008! Who cares that he’s the voice of some bee? He’s past his prime. Maybe you should have used Rodney Dangerfield. Oooor, you could get someone fresh. I mean, didn’t you just give Demetri Martin a couple million dollars to produce some sort of webisotic mini-series? You’re a computer company, for pete’s sake. Stay current. D+.

sjbooher: I depise anything and everything pertaining to “Bee Movie”. Didn’t it have it’s run? Why is it so prominently featured in this ad? Why do I have to see that stupid “Bee in the sound room” short before every movie I go to? Did Seinfeld make some sort of Faustian deal, offering his lifelong servitude to “Bee Movie” in return for some untold reward? My relationship with Jerry Seinfeld is much like your typical stock market graph, and right now it is definitely in the penny stock range. I’ll be kind and stick with D+.

jtherkal: I was flipping through Time Out New York and landed on this bizarre ad. Huh? After taking a look, I deduced that this was not a joke ad. It’s for something called the Mansy, which is going to be available in limited quantities. Hopefully very limited. This ad is like a three car pile-up on the opposite side of the expressway. I have to look for a bit while passing, but once I understand what happened, I speed away, feeling slightly disturbed and slightly ashamed. I’m not sure if that’s the reaction they were going for. D+.

sjbooher: Not up for a little male yoga on the beach, jtherkal? Maybe even at sunset? Yikes. It would seem to me that this is for a very, very, very small, target audience, and it would scare the bejeezus out of everyone else. It’s eye-catching; I’ll give it that. It definitely gets the point across, I suppose, although looking around the net it seems other people also need to first figure out if it is a gag or not. Hmm… effectively shows the product in action, I guess. I gotta do it… A+!

April Fool’s! I still give it an A-, but for different reasons. I like that a company that manufactures clothing for Yoga, which is often seen as a pretentious type of activity (like Common said, “While white folks focus on dogs and Yoga…”) took some time to poke a little fun at themselves and the men out there that joke about the activity. It also catches your eye for a minute, and the shock value will probably get there name out there a little more. I don’t like it, but it works.

jtherkal: This falls under the catagory of “it doesn’t matter how good it is, if you see it a million times you remember it.” Taco Bell is nothing if not persistent in their advertising. Do i know the exact product? No. But I do know it’s filled with disgusting rubber cheese that hangs from people’s mouths. The only redeeming quality of this commercial is that they slipped death and an old man in there. Because I’ve seen it so many times, my brain is confused. Do I love it? Do I hate it? Ummmmm…I hate it. D+.

It should be noted that I love Taco Bell. When I go back to Michigan, my first stops are generally Arby’s & Taco Bell. That being said, I stick with the Taco Bell basics. Taco Supremes and maybe a Chilito every once in awhile. They used to serve Chilitos in the lunch line in middle school. What a healthy lunch for a growing boy…

sjbooher: Equal parts hate, rage and fury. I HATE that stupid, fake cheese. It just looks so fake that it is annoying. Other than the fake-ass cheese, it’s well done, making the cheese stand out that much more. It looks like it’s randomly stuck onto people’s faces… doesn’t cheese like that usually have each end connected to part of the food? Not your face. Anger. I can’t argue with the likely effectiveness, though. D+ it is.

I’m not even sure that if I could find this commercial online I would post it. Because that would mean I’d have to watch it again. It’s basically a guy rapping to camera about his girlfriend, presumably recording it and sending it to her via his cell phone for Valentine’s Day. I literally have to change the channel when this comes on, for fear of being consumed by a rabid fury that results in me smashing my television with a pitching wedge. That’s bad for the tv and for the wedge, both of which are very special to me.

Let me just say this: if you’re thinking of getting your girlfriend a phone with video capabilities for Valentine’s Day, good for you. Electronics are awesome. If you’re thinking of using your phone to send her new phone a video of you, the whitest man in America, doing the worst rap known to man, please stop and think again.

The worst part is that somewhere along the way this received the approval of a whole team of “advertising professionals.” Not only in concept form, but even after they saw the shockingly terrible finished product. Sometimes you need to self censor a bit; someone has to have the stones needed to step up and say you know what, we liked the idea, but you all see this, it sucks. We can’t put this on tv. They seem to have forgotten rule number one of advertising: avoid ads that will make the consumer HATE your product. This has done that for me.

Furthermore, I went to the AT&T site to try and find whatever promotion this is (so I’d have some sort of image to accompany this post) and I couldn’t find anything. No Valentine’s Day promotion at all. So even if this commercial wasn’t shotgun-eatingly bad, consumers can’t follow up and actually take advantage of the promotion.

F-. The worst.

The Hawk:
Yo, Mouth, why you trippin’, home skillet? This is that new hot fire on the streets, playa-toni, pepperoni! Hotter than paprika!

Yes, horrible. Although something deep inside me says there is still a segment of society out there that laughs and likes this. I’ll even admit I think the paprika line is funny. D+.

Not everyone likes this campaign. I think most of the dislike comes from not liking the guy who does the drawings. Sure, he’s a little smarmy, kind of a douche and has a Richard Lewis haircut, but I don’t mind him. Before, I didn’t really notice him. I’m mesmerized by his drawings and the way he turns things into other things by adding and erasing lines. The campaign is incredibly recognizable, somewhat entertaining and delivers the UPS message in such a simple manner that even the idiot in charge of your mail room can understand it.

Moreover, it has sparked an avalanche of video spoofs on YouTube. Among them, there are videos covering such subjects as mail order brides, getting rid of the body, monkey sex, and two girls one cup. If imitation in the highest form of flattery, what is parody?

It’s almost enough to make me stop thinking of a log of shit when I hear “what can brown do for you?” B+.

The Hawk: Ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Hide the women and children! LITERALLY. You know why this guy thinks sending a bigger shipment is great? Because he can fit more children in the truck to molest. This guy gives me the creeps. And they include the actual squeaking sounds of the marker? A lot of people HATE that sound — never a positive in advertising. I guess the “viralness” of it all does have some merit, so I can’t flunk it. D+.