I RATE ADS

jtherkal: Hey, all you competitive swimming fans out there, here’s an energy bar you can really get behind. I mean, if Michael Phelps–who is good at swimming–likes it, it must give you super power. Come on Powerbar. Maybe he was the best athlete you could afford? Or maybe you thought it was a good choice because swimming is hard. Sure it is, but most people don’t give a daaaaaamn about swimmers. Unless they’re in a red bikini, running down the beach in Malibu (Baaaaywatch). Nice try, putting those sharks in the pool, but you never had him fight the sharks. You didn’t even have him race them. Massive failure. F.

sjbooher: I do remember that last Summer Olympics Michael Phelps was EVERYWHERE — featured in maybe 4 or 5 (more?) different ads. I have no idea if that worked, but he was the star of the games themselves. I think he won a few medals, but he did not eclipse Mark Spitz’ record for most medals in one games. So they are definitely tapping a familiar well, here. The problem with Phelps, is that he is about as charismatic as that diving board he’s standing on. The Michael Phelps Story, starring Hayden Christensen, coming soon to a theater near you! Maybe there should be more focus on the sharks? Sharks are definitely not boring, and I do not think I even noticed them until I saw the ad a few times. Another interesting tidbit, while he has been a saint when compared with Naomi Campbell, this marks another use of a celebrity endorser that has been in trouble with the law, proving companies are generally hypocrites about that kind of thing. Since he is a fellow Wolverine, I won’t be quite as harsh as my associate. D+.

jtherkal: With the whole Arthur-Anderson-renamed-Accenture sneaky marketing move gone and all but forgotten, Accenture has moved on to further disgrace themselves by creating terrible ads. I see the logic they’re using: Tiger Woods is good at golf, businessmen like golf, so let’s put Tiger and golf and business together. Their line “Go on, be a Tiger” makes me throw up in my mouth, and the new line “We know what it takes to be a Tiger” is almost as bad. They force fit their message clumsily into images of Tiger golfing, resulting in an embarassing, pun-filled, hack-job campaign.

The only redeeming value is that this campaign gave birth to one of my favorite advertising stories. I know two of the creatives who were unfortunate enough to work on it. Unhappy as they were to be strapped with the assignment of writing terrible lines to go with pictures of Tiger golfing, they gave it the old college try. During their work, they noticed that a lot of the headlines bought by the client sounded like they came right from fortune cookies. So they went down to Chinatown and bought a bag of 200 fortune cookies, cracked them open and started to pick out the fortunes that might work as lines. They presented the list of lines to their creative director, who thought they were BRILLIANT. The lines sold and now, in the archives of Accenture ads, you can find some fortune cookie gems. I was in the airport one day and saw one that was clearly a result of their efforts, which read “At first, all great tasks seem impossible.” Like doing a good ad for this campaign, I imagine. F.

sjbooher: True confessions: I love puns. True confessions part II: I have no idea why this is so bad. Seems fine to me. Simply including the stills and clips of Tiger is probably a win… and then they didn’t get too over-the-top with “we’re so witty” copy — just simple puns and quotes that don’t detract from the message: “Be the best in the world at what you do, come to us”. Overly creative? No. Will it win any awards at some holier-than-thou ad awards ceremony? Apparently not. Will business people like a company associated with Tiger? Yes. C.

jtherkal: First, does anyone under the age of 40 know who Meatloaf is? And more importantly, if they do, is there anything endearing about Meatloaf, aside from his ridiculous name? There’s absolutely nothing I like about this ad. The song is terrible, the people in it look like no one I’d ever want to be and it does only a mediocre job telling you what the product is. When that kid moves his head in that strange way, it makes me want to punch his stupid face. This is one of those ads that has me scrambling to change the channel when it comes on. F.

sjbooher: Well, we know who Meatloaf is, and we are under 40. After all, we were even in a fantasy sports group with him! Ha — that just made jtherkal feel like his definition of a “nerd”. I love it. I do not love the ad, but I do think it is pretty good. I like musicals in general, so I automatically skew towards liking this, and I think this particular song is clever. I’m not sure what you are listening too, but all it does is describe the product. Maybe you need to watch it again and, um, sleep on it? B+.

sjbooher: Pandas are awesome. Some time ago, I learned on some sort of Discovery channel that Pandas are extremely lazy. They sit around all day eating only bamboo, which as it happens, has no nutritional value for them! And yet they still stuff themselves with it. They are the equivalent of a human that sustains themselves on Skittles alone. Great. What I really wish I could show you is the new Panda Express billboard that hits on this theme exactly. It says something to the effect of “Don’t be bamboozled like these Pandas, try Panda Express Beijing Beef!”. I love the play on words… get i? Bamboo? Bamboozled? Pandas? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. If I ever get my hands on a picture of it, that billboard will get an A+.

Unfortunately I have not mastered the art of taking pictures while driving, so you’ll have to settle for the above tv spots. I love the idea of the talking Pandas, and they even resisted the horrid idea of using offensive Asian accents, but the writing just is not there. The idea is funny, but the end result is not. They do a good job of featuring and describing the new menu item, but they managed to blow a comedic slam dunk. C+.

jtherkal: Wait, the name is Panda Express and they use talking pandas? The somehow took the most obvious advertising answer, one with a lot of promise, and made it boring and dumb. And real writer would have had a field day with this concept. Instead, blah. F.

And for the record, koalas are even lazier, and therefore better. They sleep 23 hours a day, then wake up only long enough to eat enough to sustain them for the next 23 hours of sleeping. That, my friends, is a smart animal. I didn’t know that bamboo has no nutritional value for pandas. It’s fantastic they still love it so much. And Kung Fu Panda!

sjbooher: MOOOOORE KITTENS?!?!??! I am an idiot. This ad debuted around the New Year. I recall seeing it a million times during the Capital One Bowl, and hating it. It just seemed ridiculous, absurd, and over-the-top. Not only that, but I had no idea why the guy shouted “MOOOOOOOOOOORE KITTENS??!???!”, when there did not appear to be any kittens there to begin with. Fast-forward several months… “Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh! He’s saying: ‘WAAAAAAAAR KITTENS?!?!?!’ I get it now!” Fool. Anyway, after seeing this for months, I have to give it the props it deserves. At the end of the day, it imprints “Capital One” into my brain neurons. If I needed a new credit card right now, I would probably at least check with Capital One first. And really, that is the point of this whole biz, right? A.

jtherkal: First, for the record, I’ve been correcting your grammar all night tonight. There, their, twice. Pay attention. Second, this is supremely horrible and an almost perfect example of what you refer to as “ad exec masturbation.” How much must this have cost to produce? I’ll tell you, a lot. Capital One spends an absurd amount of money producing their ads. And I have a month’s worth of pictures from my one and only boondoggle in Australia to prove it.

The only redeeming quality is the line that you misunderstood for so long. WAAAR KITTENS!? And for someone who seems to have a corporate conscience, maybe you should look into how Capital One makes its money. By giving credit cards to people who in no way, shape, or form should be given another credit card. F+. The plus is for war kittens.

sjbooher: To clarify, “Ad Exec Masturbation” only applies to the ridiculous ads that no one sees. Like a 5-minute spot that only airs in some stupid ad awards ceremony or some boardroom somewhere, or on this site!. The run-time on this sucker justifies the expenses. 5 months STRONG, and counting. Also, I do not understand why results do not affect your grades. You do not think this ad has strengthened the brand? And finally, one man cannot possibly champion all causes. You have to pick “you’re” (ha) spot. Besides, everyone deserves to build their “need to earn”. It is the American way.

jtherkal: Thanks for the masturbation clarification, I take that part back. But you’re wrong in thinking results don’t affect my grades. For instance, the result here is that I think Capital One is a credit card company that makes stupid joke after stupid joke and is basically a company run by total idiots, designed for total idiots. Sure, I remember the brand. I remember that I hate it. There’s no way, ever, in the history or future of the world, that I would consider getting a Capital One credit card. I think that result warrants an F, don’t you? Oh, sorry, F+. Forgot those war kittens.

sjbooher: Well… what’s in your wallet?

jtherkal: So today I received these notices that videos had been removed from our YouTube channel due to copyright violations. I had to read them a few times to understand what they were saying, because certainly no company would ever ask you NOT to watch or show their commercial.

In the case of the Viagra Ad, it seems to be the music company that had a problem with us sharing their song without paying for or obtaining the rights. But in the other case it was Toyota, the actual car company, that asked to have THEIR AD taken down. Now, is it just me, or does asking people NOT to show your ad seem like the most ridiculous thing in the history of marketing? It’s FREE ADVERTISING! The whole reason you make an ad is to have people watch it and hopefully notice or remember it. The ultimate win (well, aside from making a sale) is when someone passes on information about your ad, or even better, passes on the actual Ad for others to see. I’m absolutely amazed and confused by this.

jtherkal: I don’t know why they even made this ad. It’s perhaps the most ignorable, boring, worthless ad in history. Trying to criticize it is like trying to critique a rock for not being a statue. It’s just there. It’s not good, but there’s nothing glaringly annoying about it. Couldn’t they at least have gotten a hot girl to do the talking? No, let’s get a moderately attractive, middle-aged, red haired woman instead. Everyone knows they’re experts on high speed internet. And another thing, having your website name be “hughesnet.com” is confusing. Even though I watched the commercial three times in the last five minutes, I can’t remember if it’s hughes.net, hughes.com, hughesnet.net, hughesnetdotcom.org. It’s a miracle I even remember that this ad exists. It doesn’t really even deserve to be rated. F.

sjbooher: I like it. I think this is a perfectly informative ad for a product many people probably do not know a whole lot about. I know I learned something. While the pitch lady is a bit annoying and too chipper, she probably plays well with household decision-makers. Give me a simple, informative ad describing a product, instead of an over-written ad that tries too hard to be funny, any day of the week. A.

jtherkal: You basically like the WNBA of advertising. Passing, jump shots, layups and more passing. Fundamentals. Me, I’ll take some flash.

This post is dedicated to our attorney, who is getting closer and closer to being this guy every day…

jtherkal: This is an example of how advertising for a seemingly average product can be great. For years, every diaper ad has simply shown babies crawling around, scientists pouring liquid into diapers, etc. Very rarely has anyone stepped outside the established formula. But here, someone realizes there’s a) an untapped market for diapers and b) people like potty humor. People like to laugh. They found a funny, memorable way to deliver the “our diaper is super absorbent” message. That pee spray cracks me up, but again, like most great ads, the real genius is in the details. The look on the baby’s face after the first blast is classic: Oh crap, did you see that? Plus the setting–in someone else’s bedroom at a party of some sort–make this one.

The untapped market here is dads. No one ever thinks about the fact that sometimes the father has to stop on the way home from work and grab diapers, not to mention single fathers and gay daddy couples. As men, our thought process goes something like this: Hmmm, what kind does she [the wife] buy? This one? Ummm…it could be this or that one. Or that. Shit, they all look the same. Huggies. They had a funny commercial. Sold. Also, women like funny things as well, so this works for them, too. A+.

sjbooher: You know who does not like potty humor? Me. Any 3 year-old could up with the idea. Bodily functions just aren’t funny to me. Sorry. Also, this is for Huggies? Really? I hadn’t noticed. Guess that didn’t work. I don’t think people remember, or even watch, the end of this style of ad. Commission a study. I would love to be proven wrong. Is it so horrible to put the word “Huggies” at the bottom of the screen for the duration? I don’t get it. It’s like they try so hard to hide the fact that they are advertising a product, that they forget to advertise it. “Let’s make this cool music video.” “Let’s make this cool short film”. How about you stop trying to reinvent the wheel, and make an ad? F.

jtherkal: Why you so crabby? Crabass.

jtherkal: Every once in awhile advertising people get all worked up about a campaign that, to me, seems like a total waste. Right now almost everyone I talk to is raving about this “white gold is white gold” campaign. A rock star who was handed a guitar full of milk. This is clearly the work of some over-ambitious creatives who have a big boner for Spinal Tap. They’ve probably been trying to sell a Spinal Tap campaign for years. I never really liked that movie. Since I started in advertising I’ve pretended to be a Spinal Tap fan, as so many creative directors and other folks in the industry sport large wood for it. At first, I would pretend to like it so that I wouldn’t seem like an idiot. Then I watched it, and I still pretended to like it, again not wanting to appear foolish. But no more. Spinal Tap, not that great. This campaign? It doesn’t make me want milk at all. And I LOVE milk. They have an extravagant website and some viral video components to this, so if it was good, it would be real good. Only I think it’s bad, so all that extra wasted energy makes it real bad. Sorry ad friends, but I’m not on your wagon this time. F.

sjbooher: It does seem a bit dumb and cliche to me… and what is Spinal Tap? Ha. “Rock Stars” are that ish right now though, so this will probably have some success, but I do not get the milk connection, either. Not to mention this is sort of a direct bite on the Heineken “Liquid Gold” ad. I have always thought it was dumb, in general, for milk to even waste money on ads. How can you forget about milk? C-.

jtherkal: Initially I liked the simplicity of the explanations and the illustrations in this campaign. It was a straightforward way of delivering a message and it stood out. Then they started animating the drawings; I guess they couldn’t think of anything else to do. On top of that, it has come to light that the Richard Lewis wannabe star of these is NOT actually drawing or erasing anything. He just pretends to draw and then they illustrate everything in post. I’m certainly an idiot for thinking special effects were not involved in these little drawings. I don’t like things that make me feel stupid. F.

sjbooher: This makes it even worse that they went in and added the marker squeaking sounds. But the real reason is so they could hide the sounds of the screaming kids this guy is molesting in his trailer with the Traveler’s umbrella guy! These ads make me want to “ship” a bullet into my head. What’s the packaging cost of that, UPS? F.